2012 Jul 11
Fuck the toothpaste aisle.
Orange you glad that Listerine® PocketPaks® Mint Breath Strips went away?? Well, just when you thought it was safe to come out of hiding from 2004, they’re back! SHRUNKEN DOWN (holy shit how did they do it this is amazing) and set afloat inside a toothpaste that somebody-in-my-family-who-is-not-me purchased. When I was in the store a few weeks ago at night where they lock down the toothpaste aisle for some reason and you have to ask Lynda from Customer Care to unlock it for you so you can spend ten minutes looking at the glittering boxes while your sister picks out her Feminine Hygienes™, I found myself standing there but not actually evaluating differences because every single box claims 100% more science on its surrounding toothpastes. Then your sister comes over and is like confusingly particular about what is and isn’t a good toothpaste and it’s like when the eye doctor made you realize you can’t see the numbers in the dot pattern books so you can never pilot an airplane. Anyway, all this makes me feel actually blessed with the inability to discern minute differences between things. Or like I’d rather just give up and not buy toothpaste than contemplate this bullshit problem. Or have a preference oh my god. But, so, we got a Colgate or Crest or actually an Aquafresh and I hated it! But then there was this. And THIS, this is different. In a scary way. Like an I am holding my breath for more shrunken 2004’s way. Your impending Soap with MINI Axe Body Sprays.